For the first time in years, I actually watched Eurovision. Generally, I avoid it because it’s too much of a farce. Last time I remember watching it was probably when Lordi won back in 2006 which was, arguably, in my opinion, the last time an actual song won.

But, I was visiting family and my parents had it on so, I thought, why not. Let’s watch it and see what’s come of the competition.

It’s largely the same.

The problem with this competition, if you can call it that, is that there are two elements – Music and Politics. These don’t mix as one will undermine the other. In the case of Eurovision, it’s the latter undermining the former and this has been the way of things for many years. Arguably, from the little bits of information I’ve checked over the years, this has gotten worse.

Music –

Generally speaking, this year’s entries were quite palatable. Not too much cringe and the performances were largely competent with good choregraphy. Nothing spectacular (once you’ve seen a band like Rammstein blitz a stadium, stagecraft takes a very different meaning) but perfectly adequate for its purpose.

I think the main issue is that a lot of the songs weren’t that distinctive which only served to highlight a larger issue within mainstream music – lack of diversity.

Ironically, in this age that’s all about ‘diversity’, this competition could have done with some. Nightclub beats and autotune were quite predominant. The only entries that hinted at their country of origin were Moldova’s Pasha Parfeni and Norway’s Alessandra. Both appeared in less functional versions of their culture’s native garb from their respective mythologies; Pasha dressing very much like a Balkan prince whilst Alessandra looked like she was a Valkyrie on a night off singing for Odin in the halls of Valhalla. Though, I understand her costume was based on Britain’s Queen Elizabeth I.

Regardless, both looked and sounded like they were from their respective countries. Moldovan whimsy and romance coupled with Norwegian might and power.

But what of the rest? I’ll go over some of my highlights.

Käärijä – Cha Cha Cha: Finland’s entry looked like a BDSM rentboy but whilst the song started off a bit dark and edgy, it got all Euro-camp with some autotune thrown in for good measure. Turns out, it was all a ruse as the song was about how drinking your problems and stresses away is, somehow, a good thing. And this finished second?

Loreen – Tattoo: The Moroccan-Swede did win and, in so doing, became on the second entry to win twice and first female entry to do so. Her had her looking like Edward Scissorhands’ less extreme cousin whilst the song itself wasn’t all that remarkable. Some say it was a cynical vote to a) Get a female double-winner and, b) make sure Sweden host next year for the 50th anniversary of ABBA having won with Waterloo. Will they get the fab four to perform? Guess we’ll find out in 2024.

Noa Kirel – Unicorn: Israel’s ‘Jennifer Lopez’ didn’t make that much of an impression on me. Maybe I’ve just been around too many narcissistic cock-teases but Noa seemed to rely too much on cheeky winks and ‘look at me, I’m sexy’ dance moves. The lyrics were suggestive, passive-aggressive and defensive. Awfully confusing concoction.

Anyway, despite looking like Twitch camgirl on a night out to a fetish club, the song was quite sterile despite its subject matter. No matter, I’m sure she’ll be a big hit on OnlyFans. They love unicorns.

Voyager – Promise: The Aussies gave a crowd-pleasing performance. I don’t actually remember how the song went but the stage production looked like Mad Max via Miami (Sydney?) Vice. Flashy, cool but, ultimately, lacking the emotional oomph.

Lord of the Lost – Blood and Glitter: Ah, the Germans. One of the ‘Big Five’ in terms of funding the contest but came dead last. Why? They didn’t go full German. The outfits wouldn’t have looked out of place in Berlin’s KitKat and they had a bit of pyro going to wow the crowd. But the song.. it wasn’t filled with Teutonic rage, pomp or camp. It was…safe? Not angry enough to thrill the audience; not powerful enough to sweep them away; and not pardodical enough to be worthy of European nightclub dancefloor. It attempted all three and failed.

Alessandra – King of Queens: I know I’ve already gone over this song but, for me, this was the best song of the night. The Norwegian came on stage dressed like a Valkyrie performing a contemporary dance tune for Odin in the Halls of Valhalla. Imperious, majestic, catchy and straightforward. How…Norwegian. Perfectly encapsulated Norway and Eurovision whilst throwing a trendy feminist message. It did well with the crowd but the judges didn’t like it that much. A bit too perfect, perhaps?

Mae Muller – I Wrote A Song: The British attempt at surpassing Sam Ryder from last year went in the polar opposite direction. From second-top to second-bottom, the brief high of 2022 proved to be short-lived before normal service resumed. What happened? Well, in my opinion, there was simply too much choice when it came to attractive women singing songs with a feminist message. Where Mae went wrong was in choosing the very English (we Celtic Nations are too passionate) response to breaking up. Passiveness and dismissiveness. In any other European (Please include Ireland, Scotland and Wales) country, if a man mistreats a woman, she will respond to the scale of said mistreatment. It’ll be passionate, angry, hateful and maybe even psychotic. It could be all verbal, physical, emotional or psychological, maybe a mix of the whole lot, but she won’t just write a song. She might do that after she’s got her revenge to calm herself down but not as a way to get back at her ex. I just don’t think it translated well hence it ended up where it was.

Politics –

And that’s it. That’s all I remember from the 37 entries as far as songs go. It hasn’t changed that much from when I last watched it. It’s just not a place to go for new music. Is it an event? Sure. For what? Heck knows. Few of the winners have gone on to have dazzling music careers. Even Loreen, back after winning 11 years ago, isn’t known outside of Eurovision. Unless you’re ABBA, the only truly known acts are the ones that were already established in their specific genre.

So, just what is the point of Eurovision if it’s not a gateway to musical stardom via representing your country?

A common argument in the UK is that it’s a political scorecard. Maybe, but the UK viewers have only been saying that since it started performing poorly as of 2003 where they finished outside the Top 20 for the first time. Sam Ryder (2022) and Jade Ewen (2009) aside, the UK has failed to finish in the Top 10 for all of the 21st Century.

But it wasn’t like that until the turn of the Millennium.

Since its inception in 1957, the UK has finished outside the Top 10 a total of 22 times, 20 of which have come from the 21st Century.

So, what happened? Well, I believe it’s down to the change in music that the UK produces. In the second-half of the 20th Century, Britain was at the forefront of music. We had The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, Kate Bush, Sioxsie and the Banshees, The Spice Girls, Blur, Oasis, Enya, Take That, Robbie Williams, Muse, Radiohead, The Pet Shop Boys, the list goes on. From pop to rock to punk to metal to sensual, sexual, spiritual and electronic, the UK produced icons across all genres right up to the end of the last century.

And where are the new icons?

We don’t have any. Simple as that. The UK music scene no longer has the devil-may-care attitude embodied by the likes of The Who, The Sex Pistols or The Clash. We don’t have new version of The Police to give us an effortlessly cool fusion of rock and ska. There is no new Dire Straits to provide ridiculously wonderful guitar music. No new larger-than-life figures like Motorhead’s Lemmy or Bowie. The best we have just now is a pale, chubby Glaswegian and an Englishman that wants to be a woman. And I don’t mean Boy George. Culture Club were cool too.

I’m a metalhead and the metal icons of Black Sabbath, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden are still going strong. But even in Metal, there is nothing from the UK that says there’s someone to safely take the place of these god-like entities. When they’re gone, Britsh Metal might be too.

I think it’s as simple as that when it comes to the UK and Eurovision. The music just isn’t good enough and that’s saying something given the general standard of Eurovision entries.

Another point, which I inferred earlier, is that the UK has long seen itself as not really part of Europe. Prior to Brexit and joining the ‘Big Four’, relations may have been smoothed over with the quality of our entries. But since becoming a major funder and leaving the EU, things haven’t gone so well. Not only is the music not making an impression but it seems the goodwill of our European neighbours may have gone too.

To which, I come to another common complaint from British viewers. Why not leave the competition entirely and use the money for something better like, the economy?

But those doing the complaining just haven’t looked at how much it costs. As host nation, the UK’s BBC, according to i newspaper, is reported to have spent in the region of £8-£17million on the event with a further £10million given by the UK government. Outside of the host, the combined total from all entrants is around £5million to which the UK, as a member of the ‘Big Five’ contributes around £300,000 though this figure was from 2012 as no further figure has been reported. If true, than that’s about £400,000 today adjusted for inflation.

So, let’s take the top-end hosting figure of £17million. As the fifth richest nation in the world, the UK’s GDP is about £3.1trillion.

That top-end figure equates to 0.0055% of GDP. Nothing. We can afford to host Eurovision without an issue as well as pay less than half a million to help fund it.

But why?

Audience ratings. That’s all. Hosting aside, as a member of the ‘Big Five’, the UK pays less than half a million to enter the contest. In return, the BBC got an average viewrship of 9.9million with a peak of 11million. According to the EBU, 162 million viewers watched the contest over 144 countries which also voted.

And take a look at this from the EBU’s own figures:

•  4.8 billion views of #Eurovision2023 on TikTok
•  540 million views of official videos on TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook
•  Official ESC 2023 playlist on Spotify – most-streamed Spotify playlist globally on Sunday 14 May

That’s a lot of traffic generated by a one-night, annual event. But, in essence, the politics of Eurovision is the politics of funding. It’s a hideously cheap night for broadcasters that has huge scale with its international appeal.

By comparison, here in the UK, comparable music/entertainment shows are The Voice and Britain’s Got Talent, each reportedly costing £650,000 and £1million per episode respectively. And with the UK being a major economy, scale that down for our European cousins and their evening equivalents.

So, whilst the host city and broadcaster have to foot the bill, it’s very likely they’ll recoup that and then some through the increased footfall generated by the event.

According to this CityRise article, Liverpool, as host city, is expected to gain an initial £30million profit with a long-term boost of £260million by 2026 thanks to the exposure from hosting the event.

So, there are significant gains to be had from hosting a major event especially one that provides such outstanding value as Eurovision.

I think I’ve cleared up the political side. But what does it take to win?

Well, last year, being invaded by Russia is what it took for Ukraine to win. Their third win (previous wins were 2004 and 2016) and I’m sure not a welcomed one. I can’t speak for the nation but I’m fairly certain if the UK was invaded by Russia, France, Spain, the USA or whoever, winning Eurovision as a symapthetic token of solidarity wouldn’t mean much to the public.

Invasion aside, this year’s winner seemed to be going for a tortured artist stuck inside mummy bandages or kinky asylum attire.

I had to look up the lyrics since Loreen’s delivery on the night suggested she’d had a few before going on stage. But there seemed to be three elements:

• Melodramtic feminist messaging
• Bonkers/weird stage set and/or costume
• Overly dramatic performance

Ultimately, Loreen’s Tattoo is about her doing anything for love, even if it’s not the right kind, because the object of her affection is so imprinted that she doesn’t want to be apart from them. For maximum political points, she could have had some non-binary person with brightly-coloured hair on stage with her to get more votes from the LGBTQ+ crowd.

I didn’t particularly like it. As I said, Alessandra from Norway was my pick of the bunch but being a Valkyrie and a decent singer might have been too close to perfect for the judges.

She had the best vocal range and performance of the night as well as flawless choreography. And she gave us this:

Anyway, she didn’t win and got less than half the points of Loreen. But then, Norway are already in NATO. It’s Finland that need encouragement. Thank goodness they finished second. The Finnish government must be working hard on their application.

Well, here’s to 2024 and 50 years since ABBA won. I’m sure their 3D holograms will be getting dusted off whilst the fab four sit back and drink in the accolades, nostalgia and money. Lots of money.